Port Charles: The REAL General Hospital
by JamminOnTheOnes
Summary: You think you know but you have no idea ... THIS is the real Port Charles
1. Chapter 1

**Port Charles: The REAL General Hospital**

**Chapter 1**

Courtney and Jax awoke up to yet another perfect day. She snuggled around in her husband's arms.

"Good morning, Mr. Jacks" she said. He was so damn perfect.

"Good morning, Mrs. Jacks" he said. She was so damn perfect.

She giggled. Then giggled some more. And then… some more.

"Oh, touché, my husband," she said running her fingers through his perfect hair. She swore that if you squinted, he could pass for Brandon Walsh … or was that Jason with the _Beverly Hills 90210 _hair? Oh, who cares? She was happy. Sooooo happy. Jax was the love of her life.

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, besides Brenda," Jax whispered. "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on, next to Brenda, of course. I will spend the rest of my days pouring champagne down your throat, getting matching highlights and having sex with you until you literally stop breathing because nothing can interrupt the power of two. Not even Michael or Morgan or-"

Courtney sat up, "Wait, who?"

"Duh, Courtney. I'm hypothetically speaking here. Try to stay on track. Brenda always did," Jax answered.

"Oh, okay," said Courtney perking up. She stroked the perfect butt-shaped chiseled chin of his. "Wanna take a shower?" she asked seductively.

"Sweet!" he yelled, jumping out of bed.

"But, you gotta promise to not use my Country Apple body wash from Bath & Body Works. I'm sick of having to stock up! Use your Warm Vanilla Sugar!" she yelled before eagerly getting out of bed to go screw her perfect husband for the 1,640,538th time in an hour.

* * *

Sam rolled over in bed, hoping to get a proper good-morning from Jason but he wasn't there. Figuring he was downstairs talking on his cell phone she got up and stood in front of her closet, trying to decide what to wear for the day. 

"Hmm," she muttered, staring into the mirror. Something didn't look right. She stuffed her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and tilted her head to the side. "Oh, of course, silly me." She quickly unbuttoned the top five buttons of her button down shirt, exposing the bright blue tank top underneath. She crossed her arms in front of her, hugging herself and leaning over to inspect the cleavage. Smiling satisfactorily she headed downstairs to find her fiancé. He _was _her fiancé, right?

Sure enough, Jason was talking on his phone. "Yeah… what? No. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Okay. I'm on my way." He snapped the phone shut and turned around. "Oh. Hey Sam."

"Hi," she purred, coming up to him with her arms outstretched. "Was that Sonny, Jason? Does he have business for you to do that you can't tell me about? Because really Jason, I'm okay with whatever you have to do, you don't have to worry about me being mad that you work for Sonny."

"No, it was Michael," Jason said, hugging her quickly. "He had another nightmare. I have to go make sure he's okay."

"Mm, before you go, I want to thank you for last night," Sam said seductively. "I mean, wow Jason. Those hugs were just so… so… mind-blowing! And there were three of them! You spoil me, you really do."

Jason smiled at her as she played with the star around her neck. "I need to get ready," he said, moving past her. On his way into the bathroom, he paused and peeled the faded black t-shirt from his body and tossed it aside, leaving Sam speechless, as she couldn't remember the last time she had seen his bare chest.

Jason turned the shower off and pulled the shower curtain back to step out. He could hear faint music coming from the other room and he stared at the wall as he recognized the song. _Your Body is a Wonderland_. With a sigh and another stare at the door, he moved to the mirror and picked up his razor.

"Jason!" The door banged open and Jason jumped, the razor slipping underneath his chin.

"Sam, what are you doing?"

She came up to him with a hopeful look on her face. "I thought I could shave you," she suggested. "I mean that's next right? You've carried me up the stairs and we had a moment in the rain, now I have to shave your face for you." She advanced closer, trying to get the razor out of his hand.

"Sam. Sam! Stop it!" Jason held the razor out of her reach and stared at her. "What are you talking about?"

Sam shoved her hands in her back pockets and exhaled loudly. "Courtney," she explained. "Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? Recreating your relationship with her?"

"No," Jason said, rubbing his face.

"Are you sure?" Sam reached again for the razor. "But isn't this fun? I mean, I found the music, and I just thought if I helped you shave, maybe we could hug for a little bit."

Jason stared at her. "I'm done in here," he said finally.

"Oh wait!" Sam ran past him and back into the living room. "Okay you can come out now!" she called.

Jason emerged from the bathroom in his jeans and another black t-shirt. Sam was seated on the sofa writing in some book. "What are you doing now?" he asked finally.

"Oh, Jason!" She snapped the book shut and tried to giggle. "I was just writing in my journal and don't you even _think _about trying to read it."

"Okay," he said, moving to grab his leather jacket.

"I mean it Jason!" she said, moving so that she was holding the journal in front of him. "I'm writing about you in here and I'll just die of embarrassment if you grab it away and read it."

He shook his head slightly. "I won't," he said. "I've got to get to Michael. Can you take him to Dr. Thomas later?"

"Of course!" Sam said quickly, nodding her head seriously. "Absolutely, I mean, anything I can do to help Michael, I care about him so much."

"Great." He grabbed his cell phone and shoved it into his back pocket next to his gun because that wouldn't prove problematic at any given time. He left the penthouse then, leaving Sam alone. She went over to the desk and pulled out a large notebook.

"Shaving to John Mayer… check." She said drawing a line through it on the list. "Let's see, where is it… oh here it is. Have playful moment with journal, check!" She smiled happily as she played with the star around her neck again. The chain snapped and the star fell into her fingers. She frowned. This was the fourth chain that had broken and she hoped Jason hadn't gotten ripped off when he bought her this fabulous necklace.

"What's next?" she asked herself, skimming the list again. "Hmm, learn how to do the tango? I don't… oh right!" She took a deep breath and one of the buttons popped off of her shirt. "Not again!" she complained, pushing her hands through her hair. She put the notebook back into the desk and headed back up to the bedroom to find another shirt to wear.

* * *

The newlyweds strolled hand in hand peering into one another's eyes. It truly was the blonde leading the blonde. 

"Court, dude, you are so rockin' those platinum highlights," Jax said giving his wife's hand a squeeze, nearly cutting his palm against the gigantic, huge, enormous, massive rock he put on her finger.

"Aw, thank you. But I'm sure Brenda's hair looks better than mine. At least that's what you kept saying during our Mr. and Mrs. appointment this morning," said Courtney whipping out a container of teeth whitener and applying it to her teeth.

"Um, Courtney, aren't we forgetting something?" asked Jax digging into his man purse and pulling out a compact. He patted his nose and did his typical 'wink and the gun' gesture at himself. "You didn't compliment me on _my _highlights. Brenda would have."

"Jason, I mean, Jax, you are the most wonderful, amazing, sexiest, flawless man alive. Remember our wedding in France? The bet? The kiss in the rain? The time we flew to Monte Carlo? You made my dreams come true," she said hugging him, struggling to get her arms all the way around her man. Wrapping her arms all the way around Jax was a daily effort but damnit; she was going to overcome it because that's what all respectable, pretty, fit trophy wives did.

"Wait, didn't we have our wedding in Port Charles?" he asked raising a perfectly arched eyebrow.

"Duh! That's what I said, silly goose! But then again, I've had so many marriages, I tend to lose track. But you, Jason Morgan, oh darn, I mean, Jasper Jacks, are the center of my life. I will stay in this marriage until I decide I can't deal with your life anymore. I mean, caviar for breakfast and you drinking champagne out of my Jimmy Choo pumps can take a toll on a girl!" she said giggling.

"Courtney, you're so damn perfect," Jax said applying a shimmery shade of lipgloss. He smacked his lips loudly. "Next to Brenda, of course."

"Oh, gee whiz, Jax, don't curse!" she, yep, you guessed it, giggled again.

WHEN SUDDENLY THE WORLD STOPPED. Everything went still.

Courtney had spotted _the _Jason Morgan on the docks.

She froze. Jason … on the docks … in Port Charles. Like, oh my God, have you ever heard of such a thing? Her heart began to race. Her pulse quickened. Her overly bleached hair stood on end.

She weakly pointed to him, her ring finger barely being lifted as the gigantic, huge, enormous, massive rock weighed it down.

"Dude, what is it?" asked Jax completely and totally and entirely and utterly unaware of his wife.

"It's him!" said Courtney, her throat growing parch. She desperately needed something to drink. She reached up and grabbed a flask out of Jax's expensive designer jacket. She took a long, very long, swig. She wasn't sure what she was drinking but it was good stuff.

"Who?" asked Jax filing his nails. He blew the particles away. "Damn, cuticles," he muttered. Looking up, he burst into tears. "Not him!" He stomped his feet up and down in a tantrum but stopped when he realized he was scuffing his shoes up.

Courtney spoke up. "Jax, you knew that I came with baggage when you married me in France, darn, I mean here, in Port Charles. Jason and I have so much history. I mean, when you kiss a guy in the rain, he's got your heart forever, you know?" She scratched her forehead. "Shaving a guy in a bathroom while John Mayer is playing is just so … so, you know?" She sniffed.

"But why?" Jax whined. He fell out on the ground, kicking and screaming.

But that didn't matter. JASON MORGAN was on the docks!

* * *

"Okay bye." Jason shut his phone and stared out at the water. He was on the docks although he knew there was someplace else he was supposed to be. Suddenly he heard a familiar giggle and turned around. 

Courtney pretended to be busy in her purse while casually walking. She suddenly looked up to see Jason. The locked eyes then looked away. They caught glances yet again then looked away.

Their eyes connected a third time in a perfected stare and Jason's breath caught in his throat. His Courtney was standing there. Wait, she wasn't his anymore though. Jax had bought her. She reached up to brush a strand of highlighted hair from her face and the sun reflecting off of her engagement ring blinded him. He blinked and watched as she walked towards him, stumbling slightly.

"Jason … I just want to know one thing," said Courtney, eyes brimming with tears.

She stopped as Alan suddenly rolled by on his wheelchair, muttering insanities. Something about having two sons but not really because one didn't count and the other was just insane and something else that the two didn't pay attention to because Jason ignored him as usual, and hell, Courtney didn't hear a word since the Mr. Wonderful was in her presence.

"Have you and Sam …" she continued.

Jason nodded. "Yeah," he said in barely a whisper.

"So, it's true," said Courtney scratching her forehead. "You and Sam … have hugged?" She nearly began to choke on her tears. "Have you hugged in the rain?"

"Yeah …"

"Do you hug a lot, Jason?" Courtney asked.

"Yeah …"

She gasped. "Jason … I … I have to go," the blonde said before running off.

"Yeah…" he watched as she ran away, staring long after she disappeared. He turned around again and put his cell phone back up to his ear. "It's me. We need to talk." As he walked back down the docks he still had a slight suspicion that he had somewhere else he needed to be.

* * *

Courtney walked into her and Jax's lavish apartment, penthouse, cabin, Barbie Dreamhouse or whatever the hell it was. Didn't matter because it was perfect! Jax walked out in his robe, a mud mask on his face. 

She ran into her husband's embrace.

"Watch it, Court! This totally isn't dry yet," he said whipping a flask of alcohol out of, uh ... somewhere. He knocked it back violently.

She giggled, of course. But her expression turned sad when John Mayer's "_Your Body Is A Wonderland_" sounded through the air.

"Dude, what is that? I bet Brenda never even heard of this guy," said Jax covering his ears.

"It's my … ringtone," said Courtney sniffling yet still smiling and scratching her forehead all at once. "It was the same song that played when I shaved Jason's beautiful face …"

"Court, just answer the phone!" Jax said holding back tears. When she cried, he cried. It was the two souls in one thing.

"Hello?"

"Aunt Courtney! Aunt Courtney!" Michael screamed into the phone. "You gotta hel-"

"I'm sorry, who?" said Courtney into the phone. This was serious. "Who is this? This isn't funny!"

"Aunt Courtney! Aunt Courtney! It's me, Michael! Your nephew."

Courtney looked up at Jax and shook her head. "What? Sorry, kiddo." She clamped the phone down and shrugged. "Some kid claiming he was my nephew. Go figure."

* * *

Sam came back downstairs, a new button-down shirt on and a new chain around her neck. She was about to… well she didn't know what she was about to do but luckily there was a knock on the door and she went to answer it. 

"Sam, I'm so glad you're home!" Emily exclaimed, rushing into the apartment. "I just came from Nikolas' hotel room and I'm so confused. I don't know what to do and I need your advice."

"Sure, sure!" Sam said eagerly sitting down and patting the seat next to her. "Tell me all about it Emily, I'm sure I can help you!"

So as Sam gave Emily sex advice, Courtney helped Jax with his facial before climbing under him yet _again_, and Jason met with Sonny at the courthouse, poor Michael sat curled up in his bed, alone, trying to come up with another person he could call to talk to …

**Jax voiceover**: "Dude, like, stay tuned for scenes from the next … Port Charles, the real General Hospital …"

* * *

**PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT**: 

_Michael, Morgan, Lulu and Lucas are all sitting on a park bench_

**Michael**: Today, Child Neglect is a serious issue. _Morgan cries_ Come on, Morgan. Mom and Dad aren't around to feed you. Stop crying!

**Lulu**: Yes it is. More thanhalf of Port Charles residents with children are too busy out partying, having affairs and covering up murders to care about their kids … by the way, I'm Lulu Spencer. My dad is … um … Larry? No. Lawrence …

**Lucas**: Luke Spencer, Lulu. Anyways, if you know someone who is on the verge of being a neglectful parent please take charge. A child is a terrible thing to waste.

* * *

**Sonny voiceover**: "On the, uh, next Port Charles, the, uh, real General, uh, Hospital …" 

**Ric**: "Alexis! It is 80 degrees outside! Take the jacket off of her!"

**Alexis** _chewing up applesauce then feeding it to Kristina_: "I want her to be prepared for winter! I'm her mother!"

* * *

**Carly** _hearing screams from Reese and Sonny's room then bursts in_: Caught ya! 


	2. Chapter 2

**Port Charles: The REAL General Hospital**

**Chapter 2**

**A/N: **Ahem. Now that we've recovered from Kelly Monaco winning 'Dancing With The Stars' (_Nicole and Asia both take a shot of Pepto Bismol and Whiskey_), we bring you an update. Oh, and thanks to those that reviewed. You're as cool as we are -well, maybe not _as cool, _but still cool enough to poke fun at the ever-so-lovely GH.

* * *

"Aww, my little snuggy-snuggy poo. Momma loves you so much! Yes, she does! You're so precious! You're Momma's pwetty-pwetty snuggy-snuggy poo!" 

Ric emerged from the bedroom of the apartment he shared with Alexis and Kristina. He looked at the little girl and smiled. Not because she was simply a doll. Not because she only said a word when a certain blonde mobstress kidnapped her but because she belonged to Sonny.

"_What a way to score one for the team, Ric_," he thought to himself.

He then walked over to Alexis. "Talking to the baby?" he asked.

She looked up at him over her glasses. "No. I'm talking to Kristina! I'm her mother, she's my daughter. Not Sonny's but mine. Sure she was conceived during a spontaneous moment of passion. Well, if you can call it that. Passion, lust, whatever. It happened. Not that I regretted a moment of it. I say that not because Sonny is such a skilled expert in the bedroom but because I got a beautiful daughter out of it. A daughter that almost didn't make it thanks to Luis Alcazar. That crazy man. By the way, I may have faked D.I.D but I'm not crazy. Maybe a tad neurotic, no I wouldn't even say that because you can't really call it neurotic maybe it's just a mother's instinct. Everything I do, I do out of my undying love for my daughter. _My_ daughter. Not Sonny's." She exhaled. "Coffee?"

Ric sighed then looked at Kristina. He frowned at her attire: a snowsuit, a hat, gloves, a turtleneck and snow boots. He then turned his attention towards the television.

The weather man ran a hand over his forehead to feign exhaustion. "Whew! Gonna be a hot one today, folks! 80 degrees. Not a cloud in the sky!"

Alexis continued to sip her coffee. Kristina just … stared and … blinked. She really was her father's daughter.

"Didn't you hear that?" Ric yelled. Alexis ignored him –like always. Instead she began to prepare Kristina's breakfast: three cups of orange juice (can never have too much vitamin C), two pieces of toasts (gotta love that fiber!), a cup of milk (hello? No calcium equals Osteoporosis) and 10 assorted vitamins -and we ain't talking the Flintstone kind, folks.

"Alexis! It is 80 degrees outside! Take the jacket off of her!" Ric screamed.

His wife pushed her glasses up and continued chewing applesauce then feeding it to Kristina by mouth. "I want her to be prepared for winter! I'm her mother!"

"Its summertime!"

"I don't care!" Alexis screamed. "Do you know what would happen if Kristina was over at Sonny's right now? She'd be in shorts and a tank top! I don't think so! I am not Sonny. That man's parenting skills is a joke. He is constant threat to this entire town including Kristina, his own daughter. Bodyguards, drivers, police constantly after him! What kind of life is that for a child?" She exhaled. "Omelet? Wait, I don't cook but the producers re-write history every day so why not?"

"Just take the jacke-"

"Don't tell me what to do! I do not follow your orders or Sonny's orders- oh my God!" Alexis balked suddenly clutching her stomach. She sat on the couch and pulled Ric over. "Look! Feel!"

Ric put his hand to her stomach and smiled. Their little baby was kicking … on cue … like always when they were fighting.

Alexis pulled Kristina over. "Feel your little baby sister or baby brother kick, Kristina!"

But the little girl did nothing. She just … stared and … blinked.

"Look how attentive she is to her little sibling already!" Alexis cooed. "You're going to be the best big sister in the world aren't you?"

"Actually, I plan to be quite an exceptional and incomparable big sister who will perform her duties in stride. I am prepared to watch this young lad mature into a divine human being who will make an imperative and eternal impression on this town, this state, this world and eventually the universe," Kristina responded nonchalantly.

Ric's jaw dropped. He wondered in awe if Sonny had taught her all of that. He knew it! The man was a genius, a god even. Alexis took her glasses off then put them back on then removed them again. Damn that Sonny if he had taught her all of that.

"Alexis, did you hear that? Kristina is on her way to Harvard!" Ric said.

"No. Yale! This child is going to Yale, aren't you, sweetie?" Alexis responded.

But Kristina said nothing. She just … stared and … blinked. Her sudden spurt of words was a one time thing, never ever to be repeated again. Sort of like when Sam was in love with Sonny. Sorta of like when Jason took his shirt off. It was gone with the wind –or that hurricane that suddenly decided to blow into New York.

But the two ignored their little girl and continued to debate.

"Yale!"

"Harvard!"

"Yale, damnit!"

"Damnit, Harvard!"

"Yal- oh! The baby just did a somersault!" Alexis said eagerly.

Ric put his hand to the womb. He shook his head. "No, more like a back hand spring with a toe touch."

"That was a somersault, Ric!" the woman yelled.

"Back hand spring toe touch!" Ric screamed.

So as the two continued to argue over their unborn child's flexibility, and as Kristina continued on in her own little world, things weren't exactly out of the ordinary in the Lansing household.

* * *

"So anyways, I think you're right Sam," Emily said, her eyes bright with tears. "I'm going to go tell Nikolas how much I love him, and I'm going to make tonight really, really, really special for him!" 

Sam opened her mouth to talk but before any words came out the front door flew open and Carly burst in, wide-eyed and frantic.

"Where's Jason?" she asked, her big eyes landing on Sam and Emily on the couch.

"Do you _ever _knock Carly?" Sam asked, standing up and shoving her hands in her back pockets.

"Do you _ever_ shop anywhere other than Baby Gap?" Carly shot back, nodding at Sam's too-tight shirt. "So where's Jason? I need to talk to him."

"Michael called him earlier so he's over there," Sam said.

"Why would he call Jason? I'm his mother after all, he should have called me!"

"Yeah well, Jason loves Michael like he was his own, so it's good that Michael can depend on him. Is there anything else? Because if not, you can leave."

Carly laughed. "You think you're special Sam, and it's cute and all, but don't act like you're freaking queen of the penthouse."

"I'm sorry, which one of us still lives here?"

"_Skank!_" Carly flew across the room to Jason's pool table and grabbed one of the pool sticks. "Got anything else to say to me now?" She asked, wielding the stick in Sam's direction.

"You're crazy!" Sam spit out as Carly tried to hit her with the stick. She executed a perfect cartwheel to get out of the way. Well, perfect except for the fact that she screwed up the landing but hey, those dancing lessons were really paying off. Carly missed her, hitting the couch behind her and narrowly missing Emily by just a few inches. Emily in turn, bent down and retrieved a scorecard and showed it to Sam.

Sam stared at her incredulously. "A four?" she snapped. "A four?"

"I'm sorry," Emily said with a shrug. "I didn't enjoy it, you looked a little tense."

"But she has pool stick aimed at me!" Sam cried. "What would you have done?"

"Hey!" Carly's scream interrupted the other two. "I'm still here," she reminded them.

"Oh yeah." Sam stuck her hands in the back pockets of her jeans and took a deep breath. "Get out!"

Carly stood still for a moment, her head cocked towards the still open door. "Oh you can't be serious," she muttered to herself. She glared at Sam again. "I'm leaving, but only because there's someplace else I have to be. Tell Jason I was here." She shook the pool stick in Sam's direction before storming out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Sam took a deep breath and sat back down next to Emily. As she did so, another button popped off of her shirt. She sighed as she bent down to pick it up. "So do you think you'll have to fake it with Nikolas again tonight?" she asked as she dropped the tiny button into the half-filled dish on the table.

* * *

Carly stood outside of the other penthouse, her ear pressed against the heavy wooden door. Her eyes bugged out as she heard screams coming from within the room. As her hand was on the door, she heard Reese scream "Sonny!" 

"Caught ya!" Carly cried as she opened the door _without _knocking. She stared at the scene before her.

Reese and Sonny looked up from their spots on the couch.

"You're…" Carly squinted as she stared at the couple. "You're playing Battleship?" she asked, her voice full of disappointment.

"Uh, yeah Carly, we are," Sonny said, as he stood up and walked over to the bar. She couldn't help but giggle as she saw he was wearing his black velour tracksuit over a white wifebeater. "Is there uh, a reason you're here?"

"Oh no, I was just visiting Jason, but he wasn't home, and I heard screams coming from in here so you know I had to come see what was going on."

"I sunk Sonny's submarine," Reese stated, explaining her reason for screaming.

"I'll bet you did," Carly muttered to herself. "Whore."

"What did you just say?" Reese asked. She started to stand up but she saw the pool stick still in Carly's hand and sat back down.

Sonny took a sip of his whiskey and bared his teeth before he spoke. "So uh Carly, where's Morgan?"

"With Leticia, where's Michael?"

"I uh… isn't Leticia at the house with him?"

"Great Sonny! Just great! How can you even say that you care about Michael when you don't even know where he is? I'm his mother and I love my boys more than anything in the world and you can't even tell me who's watching him!"

"Now wait a damn minute!" Sonny slammed his glass down on the desk and his eyes flashed angrily. "Michael and Morgan are uh, just as much my sons as yours and don't you dare try and tell me you love them more than me. I love them more than uh, anything in this world and you know it!"

Carly snorted. "Yeah, and you sure showed that by jumping into bed with a Fed."

"I wouldn't talk _Mrs. _Alcazar."

Carly's lips quivered and her eyes filled with tears. "How did things get to be like this Sonny?" she whispered. "We love both our boys and we shouldn't be fighting about them."

"You're right," he agreed. "So, do you want to go find them, because uh, I got important business that I need to deal with that I can't tell you about."

Carly laughed bitterly as she ran her free hand through hair. "I'll go take care of _our_ boys," she said. She tapped the pool stick against the floor as she stared at her ex-husband and his new girlfriend. "Have fun with your important business." She stormed out of the penthouse, slamming the door behind her.

Sonny turned back to Reese. "So uh, where were we?" He looked down at the game. "Oh yeah. Uh, H 10."

"Sonny, you're cheating!" Reese squealed as she placed a red peg on her board.

* * *

Carly sighed as she made her way up the walk to her and Lorenzo's house. It had been a long day and not only was she tired, but she was stressed out too. First, she had to deal with Sam, and that was never pleasant, and then she had to deal with Sonny and Reese, and that was worse than seeing Sam, and she hadn't even gotten to see Jason, which had been her whole reason for leaving the house that morning anyway. She still didn't know where her kids were, but she was sure that if they were with Leticia, they were fine. They were always fine. 

Envisioning a hot, relaxing bubble bath and maybe some chocolate brownies, Carly was more than ready to just go inside and kick off her shoes. She placed her hand on the doorknob and twisted it. She frowned when the door didn't budge and tried to turn it again. It was locked? The notion was foreign to Carly.

"Huh." She dug in her purse for awhile before finding the key chain she was looking for. She flipped through the keys, there was the key to Reese's penthouse, Jason's penthouse, Sonny's new house…keys she didn't really need because the doors were always open anyways. Courtney's loft…wait, wow. She stopped for a moment and thought of her best friend, trying to remember what she looked like. Shaking her head she flipped through a few more, reciting the doors as she searched. Kelly's, the back door to Kelly's, General Hospital, she should really give that one back to Bobbie sometime soon. Ferncliff. She shuddered as she looked at that key, praying she'd never need it again.

"Thirty keys and I don't have one to my own house?" she mumbled as she threw the keys back into her purse. "Who the hell locks their doors anyway?" She looked around, trying to figure out what how she could get in. Her big eyes widened even more as she looked down at the pool stick she still had with her.

"That'll teach him to lock me out of my own house," she rationalized, going around to the front of the house. She gripped the stick with both hands and shattered a window with it.

Immediately an alarm went off and as Carly climbed through the window and into the front hallway she had to give her husband credit. The only house that was actually locked in Port Charles was also the only one with a working security system.

**Jason voiceover**: "….yeah …"

* * *

**Commercial**: "Love Carly's pool stick? Wish you had the audacity to try a beat a skank with it? How about just carry it around as an accessory? Well, it could be yours for only 5 easy payments of $350! Purchase it at part of ABC Shop the Shops!"

* * *

**Kristina voiceover**: "(_crickets heard in background_)" 

**Liz **(_looking at her breakfast_): "Ugh, Lucky. Peanut butter and popcorn sandwiches again? I bet Jax would give me caviar …"

**Georgie** (_fighting for power over the remote control_): "Like, no way, Maxie! We are _not _watching **Zenon**!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Port Charles: The REAL General Hospital**

**Chapter 3**

**A/N**: Again, thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing. And thanks to those who are advertising for us on other sites…your check is in the mail.

This chapter is brought to you courtesy of a shirtless Greg Vaughn because hey, have you _seen _him shirtless?

* * *

"Let's see, no, Thursday doesn't work for me," Nurse Bobbie Spencer said into the phone as she flipped through the pages of her day planner. "Actually, I can't come in for another three weeks. What? That's perfect. Okay, so I will see you on the eighteenth, I can't wait. Thank you, bye bye." She hung up the phone and penciled in the appointment for her next collagen injection. She heard the elevator ding and looked up to see a tall blonde walking towards her.

"Bobbie, I just got your voicemail!" the blonde said, coming up to the nurses' station. "Are my girls okay? Is something wrong with Maxie's heart? What about Georgie's head? Is everything okay?"

Bobbie stared at her for a moment. "Felicia, is that you?" she asked hesitantly.

"_Yes!_" The blonde sighed in exasperation. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you." Bobbie picked up two charts and walked around the desk to stand beside Felicia. "I'm glad you're here though, the tests we ran on Georgie and Maxie before releasing them from the hospital just came back in."

"Is something wrong? I mean, it's only been 4 days since Georgie's accident, and she's at work, and I don't know if the Pizza Shack will let her take any more time off. Oh God, is it Maxie? Because she's so frail right now, even though she was released from the hospital after 5 days and every time she sneezes, I'm afraid she's having another heart attack."

Bobbie smiled sympathetically, or at least she would have if it hadn't been for the Botox treatment she had had an hour ago. "Well, that's just it Felicia," she began slowly. "You see, it's the strangest thing, but we're terribly shorthanded here right now. Doctors keep disappearing for long periods of time, and there are never more than two doctors on duty at once. Thank God Liz took my advice and took those correspondence classes for nursing, we simply couldn't have waited for her to actually attend medical school." She sighed. "If only I could convince Emily now."

"Bobbie!" Felicia interrupted her rant impatiently. "What do I need to worry about? The heart or the brain?"

"I don't know Felicia," Bobbie answered with a shrug of her shoulders. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. We ran the same tests on both girls, but whoever was in the lab that day mixed them up somehow, and we don't know what results belong to whom." She paused. "You're not going to sue, are you? Because we're already dealing with 2 potential lawsuits and another one really won't look good for us.

"But one of the girls is in trouble?" Felicia pressed.

"Yes, I'm afraid so." Bobbie looked at the chart she was holding. "Felicia, one of the girls has an infection that's contracted primarily in tattoo shops. Now, the infection spreads quickly, and as you know, she's very weak already, so she needs to stay as relaxed as possible. Any undue or unneeded stress will be very traumatic to either her heart or her brain and could be potentially fatal."

"But neither of the girls has a tattoo!" Felicia protested. "Not that I know of and…" her voice trailed off as she thought about something she had heard one of the girls say earlier that morning. "Thank you Bobbie, I'll be bringing her in as soon as I know which one she is!" Felicia spun around on her heel and headed back for the elevator.

* * *

Liz's eyes fluttered open and instead of seeing her unbelievably, undeniably hot boyfriend/soul mate/fiancé lying across from her; she locked eyes with the wall –a wall that had a large roach crawling up it.

She took a shoe and smacked it. Damn roach. God, how she hated being poor.

"Lucky?" she asked softly looking around the room. Liz continued calling for him until she heard some heavy panting.

"391, 392, 393, 394 …" Liz walked in on Lucky doing push ups. She watched as drops of sweat ever so slowly traced his muscles that were bare due to this lack of shirt. They contracted back and forth as he diligently moved –oh, ahem. Yes, he was uh … doing push-ups.

When he saw her, he stood up and wrapped his arms around her. And looked into her … blue eyes?

"Liz, I know I have some memory problems but I'm no Jason Morgan … when did your eyes turn blue?" Lucky asked.

Liz grinned sheepishly and put a hand up to her face. "I sort of volunteered myself to the Optometry department at GH. They're experimenting with new contacts that can either make your vision 20/20 or totally and completely blind you." Lucky stared at her in disbelief, his bare chest –okay, I'm done. I swear. "Lucky, they're paying $300 to every volunteer!"

Lucky balled his hands into a fist and went to punch the wall, but stopped himself before realizing, well, it was one of their only walls.

"I don't like this Liz!" he screamed. "I'm the man of the house; I should be taking care of you."

She walked over and ran her hands over his toned, very toned, arms. "Honey, we're in this together. Sure, you're a cop and I'm a nurse and only in this town does that equal poor but we're in this _together. _Nothing is going to tear us apart."

Lucky flashed a smile. That was the Spencer Way. Grin and bear it –or burn down a police station … or rock in a rocking chair wearing a really bad, blonde wig.

He motioned for her to come into the kitchen, which was really just on the floor, a little to the left, over from their mattress. He brought out two plates covered in newspaper.

"For you, my dear," he said uncovering the, um, dishes? "Breakfast."

Liz looked down at her food. She sighed. She was all for this 'together' thing but a girl could only eat so many cold sandwiches on a cold floor. Liz gently touched her cheek and breathed a sigh of relief. No breakouts or flare-ups. But then again, her skin was always perfect. She was the closest thing PC had to a true blue Noxzema Girl. Wow!

Gone were the days of her secretly wishing that he would surprise her with a slice a pizza, chili from Kelly's, or, hell, even a damn hot pocket –preferably turkey and cheese.

"Dig in!" Lucky said gleefully as he munched down on his sandwich. He shook his head in delight.

Liz carefully picked up her food and eyed it. She placed it back down and shook her head.

"Ugh, Lucky," she groaned. "Peanut butter and popcorn sandwiches again?" Liz let out a sigh then muttered under her breath, "I bet Jax would give me caviar."

Lucky nearly choked. "What! No, Liz!"

The brunette stood up. "Oh, come on, Lucky! Why not? Jax offered to build us a house if I gave him and Courtney triplets –one boy with blonde hair, a girl with red hair and another boy, but with brown hair. Please?"

"No!"

"Think about it, sweetheart. We could be living the good life. Butlers, drivers, nice clothes. All I have to do is produce three children for Jax and Courtney … after I give birth to this baby for Big Alice and Reginald … then Skye and Luke … then Jason and Sam," Liz said suddenly remembering that she had promised children to more than half of Port Charles.

"Jason and Sam?" Lucky asked. "Sam can't conceive?"

Liz laughed and waved off the response. "Sure she can … but you don't really think those two have sex do you? I'm a nurse, Lucky, and I know for a fact that it's physically impossible to conceive a child by hugging."

Lucky nodded thoughtfully. He had never thought of that. Hm. Learn something new everyday.

He regained his offended manner. "No!" he said turning back to his sandwich. Before he could take a bite, a rather elaborate knock came to the door. The two opened it up to reveal Jax and Courtney.

* * *

"Maxie!" Georgie leaned across the couch and tried to grab the remote out of her older sister's hands. "Like, no way Maxie! We are not watching _Zenon_ again! We've seen it like, 50 million times, at least!"

"Stop it Georgie!" Maxie whined as she held the remote out of Georgie's reach. "I have to see if she saves the world a third time! Besides, I have a bad heart!"

"Well I just had brain surgery!" Georgie retorted. "Come on!" she pleaded. "Maxie, I Tivo'd the final episode of _Dancing with the Stars_ and I need to know who wins! I made a bet with Dillon that the old guy would."

"Well of course the old guy is," Maxie replied. "You seriously think that playboy bunny will? She's as graceful as an elephant."

"Yeah, you're right. Dillon's going to owe me dinner." She sat back. "Isn't Dillon perfect?" she asked dreamily. "I mean, he is seriously like, the perfect boyfriend, don't you think? I mean, not that you would really know what a perfect boyfriend was like, because Kyle wasn't, but—"

"Hey, Shawn was perfect!" Maxie interrupted.

"Who?"

"Oh, sorry, force of habit." Maxie shrugged her shoulders. "You know who I think is perfect? Jason Morgan."

"Jason Morgan? But Maxie, he's like, a mobster! And he's _killed people,"_ her voice dropped to a whisper at the last words.

"But he's a good one," Maxie insisted. "And you know I can only like the bad boys Georgie, and Jason is just so so cute!"

Georgie shrugged. "I guess, I mean, Dillon's cuter, but…"

"Diego's cute too, don't you think Diego's cute?" Maxie interrupted.

"Diego looks like he's 30!"

"Yeah…Jason's definitely hotter," Maxie decided. "Oh look!" she said pointing at the television. "Zenon is so cool!"

Before Georgie could answer, they heard Mac and Felicia coming into the house.

"Maria Maximilliana Jones!" Felicia yelled.

"Georgianna Jones!" Mac yelled.

Both girls looked at each other and rolled their eyes at the use of their full names.

"In the living room!" Maxie called, turning off _Zenon_.

Mac and Felicia ran into the room. "Are you girls okay?" Felicia asked breathlessly. "Stress free?"

"We're fine, Mom," Georgie said. She was still surprised at how different her mom had looked when she had woken up from her brain surgery.

"Okay good," Felicia and Mac said at the same time.

"You need to stay calm. I want you to relax. We all just need to stay calm." Mac added. He kept his voice as soothing as he could.

"Which one of you has the tattoo?" Felicia yelled suddenly. "Who did it? And when? When did you have time to get a tattoo?"

"It wasn't me!" Georgie protested, standing up and holding her hands out. "Mom, Mac, I swear, I didn't get a tattoo."

"So it's you!" Felecia turned to Maxie. "Let's see it," she demanded. They all watched as Maxie took off her long sleeved shirt and turned around, showing off the big heart on her left shoulder.

Georgie burst out laughing. Mac wouldn't be able to say anything bad about Dillon now. She must have said this out loud because Mac turned and looked at her. "I'm calm," she said, hoping that would settle him down. "Relaxed too. Like, totally stress free."

"I heart Jason Morgan?" Felicia asked, her voice full of disbelief. "You heart Jason Morgan? Maxie, how do you even _know _Jason Morgan?"

"He's perfect mom," Maxie gushed.

"He's a cold-blooded killer," Mac snapped. "And if you even go near him, I'll have you on a plane to your grandmother's in Texas so fast you won't even know what happened."

"Mac, that's so unfair!" Maxie whined. "I can't help it, I love Jason! I-" She stopped suddenly and clutched at the area around her heart. She gasped once and then began coughing, her eyes rolling back in her head as she began to feel weak.

"I told you she had to stay calm!" Felicia scolded. "Come on, get your car, we have to get her to the hospital now!"

Georgie watched as her parents led Maxie out of the house before she sat back down on the couch, perfectly calmly, and reached for the phone. "Hi Dillon?" she asked cheerfully once he picked up. "My parents and Maxie are gone for the night, do you want to come over?" she asked eagerly. "We can watch _Dancing with the Stars_!"

* * *

"Hidy-ho!" Jax yelled snatching Courtney's pink and diamond-encrusted flask and taking a swig. She pouted in response. He had his own liquor, why was he always hogging hers?

"So, are you two lovebirds taking me up on my offer?" he asked.

"_Jax, _don't you mean 'our' offer?" Courtney said giggling. She tossed her perfect hair back and giggled again.

Jax … ignored her. He turned to Liz and his eyes lit up. He gave her a hug as Lucky clenched his fist.

He stared at Liz. "There's something different about you … new bangs? No! Highlights? No, wait! Your eyes. That slight hint of black eyeliner really goes with the blue of your contacts and your brown hair completes the look perfectly."

Lucky rolled his eyes. Courtney looked on proudly. There was nothing like a man who could point out things like that.

Liz bit down on her lip. "Jax, there's going to be quite a wait if you want me to be a surrogate. So-"

"So, in other words, the answer is no. We're not accepting your money or some fancy house," Lucky said sternly.

Jax licked his finger then smoothed his eyelashes. "I believe I was talking to Liz, not Lucky. I know your names sorta sound alike but I was talking to her not-"

Before Jax could finish his sentence, Lucky punched him then head butted him. Yes, he head butted him.

"Dude! What the-" Jax tried to say before Lucky punched him in his rubbery, flabby gut.

Liz screamed, moving out of the way. If she knew where baby Cameron was, she would grab him and sit in the corner but she didn't. She contemplated the last time she saw her child. Two days ago? No. A week? She shrugged. She was a nurse. A busy one.

Lucky punched Jax again and again; emphasizing the 'Pow' sound by repeating it every time his hand made contact with the Aussie's face.

"Bob and weave, Jas -err, Jax! Bob and weave!" Courtney screamed and giggled as she knocked her head back, taking a drink from a bottle of Jose Cuervo she pulled out of her purse. She had been giving her husband lessons in self-defense for the past few weeks but he always wanted to end early, either complaining of a broken nail or wanting to jump into bed.

"Pow! Pow! Powwwww!" Lucky yelled, pounding into the man. "How's that, bitch? What was that? Pow! Thought so! What's my name? Pow! That's right. Say it. Uh-huh. Say it again! Pow! Louder!"

Courtney frowned as she saw Jax's stomach jiggle with every punch. She made a mental note to work on that. She giggled. Liz looked at her then started laughing too.

They looked at Lucky's bare torso then back at Jax's clothed one. Both women simultaneously agreed that Jax couldn't hold a candle –well, in his case, a _scented _candle to Lucky.

Jax continued to be Lucky's bitch until Liz finally jumped in. Courtney tried to, but couldn't seem to walk in a straight line so she stood back and retrieved her back-up flask filled with Corona from her bra and let the good times begin.

"Stop it, right now!" Liz screamed jumping on Lucky's back. "What is your problem?"

"I'm sick of this pansy-ass trying to buy you!" Lucky cried.

Jax staggered up from the floor, his face a bloody mess. He spit out a tooth.

"That ass-whopping was highly unnecessary, mate," he stammered. He adjusted his collar and popped it up Abercrombie-style because he was sweet like that.

"Well, you want another one?" Lucky asked clenching a fist.

"Now, stop it you two!" Liz yelled. She turned to Lucky. "Jax is not trying to buy me."

"That's right," Jax replied. "I was coming over simply to ask you about our talk and then fly you to The French Riviera for dinner then send you on a shopping spree at Chanel."

Liz nodded. "See, Lucky?"

Lucky grimaced then pointed a finger at Jax. "Stay away from here. If I catch you near our cardboard, I mean house, again … you're mine." He turned to Liz. "I'm going to find my ski mask and go rob Mike at Kelly's. Stay here. Don't open the door for anyone you don't know." He then left the room.

Courtney turned her face up. _Mike. _Golly gee damn, that name sounded familiar. _Mike. _Hm … was he their driver? Oh, nope, that was Ike. _Mike. _Ooh! They're butler that was always caught stealing their fine china? Ah, oh well! She had Jax and he was all she needed.

"Um, Courtney? You don't mind if Jax and I hang out for a little while?" Liz asked.

Courtney giggled. "Of course not. Jax makes out with women in front of me, publicly humiliates me for even speaking Jason's name, lectures me about how I don't spend enough time with him and continues to make me an even bigger drunk than Sonny and I take it all in stride. He's good to me. I love him more than anything. I am the perfect wife. Of course he can wine and dine you," she answered sweetly.

"Great!" Liz responded. "I'm going to go change."

She turned and walked away.

Courtney and Jax both looked at the mattress then back at one another. They both raised an eyebrow.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Courtney asked in a low voice, almost growling.

"I think so," Jax said nodding.

"Let's do it!" Courtney yelled. Jax squealed. The two ran over to the mattress and started their usual routine.

"I love jumping on beds!" Courtney said.

"Me too!" Jax screamed doing a back flip. "It's almost like a trampoline!"

The two grabbed hands and yelled in unison: "Sweet!"

* * *

**Sam voiceover**: (_half-whispers) _"Stay tuned for scenes from the next Port Charles: The Real General Hospital."

* * *

**GH Promo Guy**: "Next week on Port Charles: The Real General Hospital: A natural disaster sweeps through Port Charles, and it will change everything you thought you knew. Lives will be forever ripped apart. Unexpected friendships will form. And finally, the reunion you thought you'd never see. Port Charles: The Real General Hospital, can you handle it?

* * *

**Monica voiceover:** (_sarcastically trying not to laugh)_ On the next Port Charles: The Real General Hospital, not that I'll actually be on it or anything…"

**Sonny **(_standing on the docks with Jason_): "So really, does this look like a gray hair or not?"

**Mike **(_Smiles as Sam, Morgan and Michael walk into Kelly's_): "Boys, have you missed Grandpa?" (_Morgan cries, Michael looks confused)._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

**A/N**: Ring-a-ding-ding. Pop those corks cause baby **General Hospital **at 2.4 and falling! Nicole and Asia would like to extend their gratitude toward their loyal readers. Thanks for making their ratings higher that GH's. You know, it's sad that two bored fans can create better storylines while mocking than the exec's can when they're trying to be serious. Ah, oh well!

* * *

Sam walked up to the front door of Kelly's behind Michael with baby Morgan in one arm while pushing his stroller with the other. She looked at the door and read the flier: 

**HELP NEEDED!  
WAITRESSES AND DISHWASHERS WANTED!  
COMPETITIVE PAY!  
APPLY WITHIN!**

"Hm …" she thought to herself. "I wonder what that is for." Surely Kelly's wasn't asking people to work there. Get a job? Whoever heard of such a thing? The three walked in and Sam pointed to a table in the corner and motioned for Michael to sit down.

"There!" she said sighing heavily then sitting Morgan down, her cleavage heaving.

Michael looked at her. "Morgan's a baby … he can't sit in regular chairs. He needs a high chair."

Sam pulled her hair then pouted her extra glossed lips. "Well, where can Jason buy one of those?"

Michael leaned in. "Huh? I can't hear you. Can you speak up?"

"Well, where can Jason buy one of those?" she repeated this time yelling because, well, there was no in between whispering and yelling for her.

Michael jumped back, startled at her tone. "Uncle Jason doesn't have to buy one," he answered pointing to near the door. "They have them over there."

"Oh, okay" she said before getting up to retrieve one. She brought one over and Michael placed his brother in the chair. Sam looked on in awe. That Corinthos kid was one smart cookie.

She shifted in her seat, removing her extra-small jean jacket as Mike walked over.

He clasped his hands together loudly and smiled. "Boys, have you missed your Grandpa?"

Morgan then covered his face with his hands and let out a high-pitched screamed bursting into a fit of tears. Michael turned his face up. "Sorry, we're not allowed to talk to strangers."

"Boys, it's me! Grandpa Mike. Now how about a slice of warm apple pie, right outta the oven?" Mike said reaching towards Morgan.

"Hey, back off before I pull out my shot gun and have Jason tie you up like a PCPD cop!" Sam shouted bending over to shield Morgan. At that precise second, a button from her shirt popped off, hitting the toddler in his eye. He screamed. As Sam went to lift Morgan into her lap, she heard the door slam.

* * *

Jason made his way to the docks for the second time that day. Or was it the third? Was it still the same day? He was never really sure anymore, his days were all the same. Sam, stare, Sonny, work, Sam, nod, Michael, Sam again. Wait. He stopped suddenly, remembering he had never made it to see Michael after his phone call. He sighed, knowing that he was already with Sam and Dr. Thomas so he would call the little guy later. 

It was getting cold, he realized as he walked further down the dock. Why Sonny insisted on meeting him at the docks when they had both been at Sonny's house in the first place was beyond his level of comprehension until he realized that it must be a work-related meeting and well, rule number one of the quote coffee-import unquote business was _all meetings must take place on the docks_.

There he was. Jason paused a moment to stand and stare at his "mentor". Sonny was standing with his back to Jason and he appeared to be deep in thought, though Jason couldn't imagine what it was he was thinking about. No, really, he couldn't. He didn't know how.

"Sonny."

Sonny jumped before turning around. "Don't sneak up on a person like that!" He scolded. "'Specially on the docks, I could have shot you."

"Sorry." He joined his boss and there they stood, looking at each other for a while. Finally, Jason cleared his throat and looked expectantly at Sonny. "So, you called?"

"Huh? Oh right." Sonny nodded. "I did. I don't mean to sound like a broken record Jason, but there's another new threat in town. One that could ruin me…_us. _Ruin us."

"Again?" Jason sighed. They had just dealt with the Sandoval Family not too long ago. "Who?"

Sonny shrugged his shoulders. "Not sure yet, but last night a shipment of uh diamond rings came in to the jeweler down on Lake Street and the rings were laced with cocaine."

"Where did the rings come from?" Jason asked in his longest sentence of the day.

Sonny shook his head. "The boxes came from a shipping company called _Faith_fully Yours, but that could be anybody really."

"Yeah," Jason agreed. "_Faith_fully Yours. I have no idea either." He rubbed his hand over his face and tried to think, but that whole not being able to imagine things made it pretty damn difficult to wonder who could be so cunning as to ship drugs mixed in with diamond rings.

* * *

"Get your hands off my child!" Carly yelled, running up to the table and snatching her son. "His eye's red and watering like a faucet. What the hell did you do to him? And don't lie to me; I've got a baseball bat in my trunk, a pool stick in the front seat and a set of matches in my purse." 

Sam stood up and shoved one of hands in her back pockets and flailed the other rapidly. Carly ducked out of the way. One of those things could kill someone. "Some weirdo at the front counter came over here claiming that he was the boys' grandfather. I was trying to help them …"

"What weird guy?" Carly asked looking around. She spotted Mike at the counter scratching the wart on his face in frustration.

"Mike?" Carly said. "He's Sonny's father!"

"Yeah, and, my clothes fit," retorted Sam. "I would know if that man was their grandfather. I know everything." She shook her head.

Carly sat Morgan back down in his chair. "Where's Leticia?"

Sam rolled her eyes. "She had somewhere to be so she dropped the boys off at the penthouse, Carly."

"You really expect me to believe that Leticia has a life?" Carly screamed.

"Who is that woman?" a voice said to Michael. He turned around.

"Jodie!" Michael whispered. "That's my mom ... I think."

"How come I never see her?" the little blonde girl asked.

Michael shrugged and turned up his face. "She's never around. I think my real mom is Leticia. What are you doing here?"

Jodie shrugged. "I'm like Sam; I'm everywhere" she said, her voice squeaking.

The two weirdoes –err, kids, turned their attention back to the women.

Sam had her hand to her heart. "Carly, I care about those boys. If I didn't don't you know that I wouldn't be able to mooch off Jason anymore?"

Carly placed both hands on her hips and walked slowly towards. "Listen to me, Sammy Spammy. You're just like Hannah Banana and Reese's Pieces. You're nothing but a free ride for Sonny and-"

"Sonny? Carly, I'm with Jason now …"

Carly paused for a minute and thought. Damn. The woman was right. "Look, I don't care. Jason is my best friend and, um, all that other stuff. Anyways, stay away from my children!"

She grabbed the two boys and walked out. Sam rolled her eyes up to the ceiling then pirouetted over to Mike.

"I'm really sorry about earlier," she said.

The man leaned in closer. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, you have to speak up," he replied.

"I said 'I'm really sorry about earlier!'" Sam yelled. She rolled her eyes. What was with the people in this town? "Well, I gotta go. I'm sure Jason needs me on the docks. He always does."

Mike looked surprised. "That's weird. Jason never allowed Courtney to help out with his work."

Sam shrugged. "Well, she probably shouldn't have asked. You sort of just have to follow him everywhere, shoot guns at his enemies, yell, flail your arms and force your way into his business then claim you don't butt into his life when someone accuses you of it. And then when he gets quiet you just have to bring up wanting to have his baby over and over and over again." She looked down at the watch she had just, well, the watch Jason had just bought her and looked back up at Mike. "I'm gonna be late. I'll see you around."

* * *

"Do you think its Alcazar?" Jason asked, going for their always-numberone suspect. 

"Could be," Sonny said. "Yeah, let's go with that." He grinned, happy that they had figured it out to the best of their ability as mobsters for the moment. "Okay well, uh, Max is supposed to be here today to wait for the new shipment to make sure it's clean but he called in on a personal day."

"What?" Jason was surprised. Max had a personal life?

"I know, I was confused too," Sonny agreed. "Apparently he does more than work for me." He shook his head, clearly baffled. "But uh, anyways, I need you to stay here and wait for it."

"You can't?" Jason asked.

Sonny laughed. "That's funny. I can't. I've got more important things to do today."

Jason nodded in understanding. "Spending time with Michael?"

Sonny blinked. "Uh, no. I'm being fitted for a new suit." He looked at his watch. "I've got some time though, so let's start planning on how we should go after Alcazar now. Do you think Carly will wear a wire?" He nodded at Jason's face. "Yeah, best not to involve her, you're right." He paused as a bee flew in front of his face and he batted at it in irritation. "Damn things have been flying around the dock all day," he muttered.

"Yeah one almost stung Sam earlier," Jason remembered. He shook his head, thinking back to how he would have been the one that would have been stung if Sam hadn't thrown herself in front of him.

"Weird," Sonny mused. "Anyways, back to Alcazar. Maybe our best bet is to just take him out once and for all? You know, like we did with _Faith_? Because now that _Faith_'s dead our business isn't in as much danger so if we eliminated Alcazar just like _Faith_, we'd be totally in the uh, clear."

"Yeah," Jason said robotically. "Things are easier without _Faith_ around."

They were interrupted just then as Alan wheeled his way down the docks. He paused a few feet away from them and Sonny rolled his eyes.

"So really, does this look like a gray hair or not?" Sonny asked loudly, bending his head for Jason to inspect. He'd be damned if he let Alan overhear any of their plan, he'd be the first one to run, well wheel, to the PCPD and have them arrested and frankly, Sonny didn't have the time. Not when there were new suits to be fitted for.

Jason stared at him strangely but then shrugged and leaned forward to inspect Sonny's black hair. "No, no gray I don't think," he decided.

Before Sonny could reply, Alan rolled over and stopped his chair in front of Jason. "You're dead to me!" he screamed. "You killed your brother, _my _dear son, AJ, and because of that, I have no sons!" He wheeled back towards town, muttering the whole way.

"So uh, yeah." Sonny looked at his watch. "I gotta get going, let me know if anything unusual comes in this shipment. Actually, let Max know, whenever he gets back, I think I'm done with work for the day." He grinned at Jason and started walking back down the dock.

Jason stared after him and then sat down on the dock, his legs swinging over the edge. He knew the shipment wasn't expected in for another three hours, but Sonny said stay, so stay he would. His phone rang and he answered it without looking at the caller id. He knew who it was.

"Sam," he said in greeting. "What? Say that again, louder." He held the phone away from his ear as she shouted. "I'm working," he stated. "The docks. Yeah. Okay." He sighed and snapped the phone shut. He hadn't told Sam which dock he was specifically on, but he knew somehow, someway, she'd be able to find him.

**Courtney voiceover: **"Heehee. Stay tuned for, heehee, scenes from the next Port Charles: The Real General Hospital. Heehee."

* * *

**GH Promo Guy **... in that sexy voice of his: 

"A _DISASTER_ hits this week on Port Charles: The Real General Hospital! Lives will be forever ripped apart!

**Alexis** (_to Ric_): "Now, I can't find Kristina because YOU let her run off with Sonny!"

_Unexpected friendships with form!_

**Sam**: "Your skin is, like, perfect."

**Liz**: "I didn't really hear what you said but it sounded like a compliment so thanks."

_And the reunion you'd never thought you'd see!_

**Courtney** (_giggling_): "Jason! We're stuck!"

**Jason**: "Courtney! Now is not the time to be giggling!"

ABC daytime! You just can't get enough! Well … actually, you can."

* * *

**Alan**: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just watch you losers." 

**Skye **(_opening an envelope_): "Hm … an invitation. 'You've been cordially invited to a fabulous carnival-themed soiree'."

**Tracy **(_looks around after awakening from being chloroformed_): "What the? Oh no! Ric's panic room! No!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Seriously, have you seen the show lately? We apologize for nothing!**

* * *

Skye walked briskly into the living room of the Quartermaine mansion and sat down next to Lorenzo Alcazar on the couch. 

He winked at her then took a sip of his Whiskey.

She smiled in response and flipped her Pantene Pro-V tresses, wishing that she could take a sip of anything other than water.

"So …" he began.

"So yourself …" she replied.

He sat his glass down and peered into her eyes. "So, are you going to come work at ELQ or do I have to stalk you then fall in love with you and put a tracking device in your cell phone?"

Skye laughed. "Oh, come on Lorenzo. Look at you. You're a wonderful, passionate, handsome, intelligent and," she tried to come up with another compliment since Lorenzo Alcazar could not be pimped, err, praised enough by Skye Quartermaine. "Oh, and witty guy! Why, Lorenzo, you can get any girl in town to work for you. Why do you want me of all people?" She stared at his half full glass almost tasting the liquor on her tongue.

"Well, that's true. I can have any girl in town work for me but you're the only one without a storyline, absolutely perfect hair and a wardrobe that's probably the reason for ABC's budget problems," he answered with a grin on his face.

Skye nodded. The man had a point. "What about your wife? You know, that skinny little thing running around with her nose in everyone's business. That brunette hellcat who is never home with you where she should be? That woman who is constantly balking at someone? Not that I would ever try to place Carly in a bad light in front of you."

At that moment Sam ran in breathless. "I spy with my little eye a really buff hitman!"

Skye and Lorenzo stared at her. Speechless.

Sam stomped her foot in frustration and placed a hand on one of her hips.

"Where's Jason?"

The redhead stood up quickly. "Um, Jason isn't here ..."

Sam sighed. "We were walking on the docks and he told me to look, said that a unicorn was following us. I turned around to look then turned _back _around and he was gone!"

"Sorry to hear that but he isn't here," Skye answered.

Sam shook her head. "Damn. I'm sorry. Carry on." She turned on her heels and ran out.

"Anyways," Lorenzo began but was interrupted by Alan who rolled in on his wheelchair.

"What are you looking at?" he sneered. "And if you're looking for Jason, you're knocking on the wrong door because he doesn't live here. In fact, he's gone. Dead! Adios, baby! I'd say he was dead to me but only Sonny gets to use that line this week."

"Is that all, Alan?" Skye asked. This was getting ridiculous.

"Nice try" he muttered. "By the way," he reached into his pocket, "this came for you in the mail." He flung an envelope at her before scoffing at Lorenzo and proceeding to leave the room.

Skye shook her head and sat back down. "Let's see …" She opened up the envelope with had traces of glitter and calligraphy writing. She suddenly took in the aroma of soft jasmine. Quite a familiar scent. Who often smelled like flowers in a soft breeze on a fresh summer day? "Oh, wow, Jax sent me this! My ex-husband who left me on our wedding night to go after his true love sent me mail! How wonderful!" She began to read the small card inside. "Hm … _you've been cordially invited to a fabulous carnival-themed soiree given by Jasper and Courtney Jax. Please bring any kind of liquor, preferably Vodka, to help celebrate_."

"Sounds like a splendid time," Lorenzo said smiling.

"Yes, it does and, please, don't ever say splendid again," Skye responded as she watched Lorenzo get up and walk over to the wet bar that conveniently sat right in the living room of a house occupied by a recovering alcoholic.

Lorenzo quickly downed his drink. He nodded in satisfaction. "This is good stuff, Skye. Only the best your family has got here."

Skye continued to look on. She felt her throat grow parch.

"Mmm. Nothing like a nice glass of champagne or a shot of Vodka, or two, if you really want to have a good time. It's really true what they say –liquor is definitely quicker," he continued. "Well, I better be going. We've had yet another pointless conversation about Carly and ELQ. Thanks again for your endless propping of me. It really helps a man out during those cold, lonely nights when his wife is out having sleepovers at her ex-husband's house." He kissed her cheeked then walked out –as Jason ran in.

"Hide me," he said rubbing a hand over his face. "Sam's after me. She wants to play PCPD and Mobsters. She's threatening to break out the handcuffs."

Skye stared at him in disbelief. He stared back. She stared harder then blinked.

"I win," Jason announced proudly. He had yet to find someone to beat him at The Staring Game.

Ever the perfect sister who wouldn't dare let her "brother" be apart of some woman's sordid sex fantasies, Skye threw Jason a lampshade. "Here. Put this over your head and sit on the floor Indian-style."

As always, Jason did as he was told. Sam ran in, wielding a gun taller than Sonny which was pretty much the equivalent of a stun gun. "Okay, I _know _I just saw him run in here. Jason just ran in here. Where is Jason? Jason's here isn't he? Is Jason here?"

"Uh, I don't know Sam. I haven't seen him," Skye said staring at the bar.

"Feel free to look around. I have to go pick out an outfit for a party." With that, she walked out of the room and up the stairs as Sam pranced around the room whispering, "Come out, come out, wherever you are."

* * *

"Hey, Liz! Got a minute?" Emily asked following behind Liz. 

Before the nurse could respond, Emily sighed and said, "Thanks. You're a great friend."

The two walked over to the hottest new meeting place in town: the waiting area.

"Liz, you have to help me, I need some advice," Emily said sighing.

"Em, I've got a hundred things to do. I have to give out this medication, help with a surgery, give out a round of shots and finish my book 'How To Go From Waitress To Nurse In Two Weeks'. I really don't have the time."

"Great. So listen," Emily began adjusting her diamond tiara with a groan. Her halo was in the shop and these damn pins were killing her. "I have a problem … Robin is coming back in town!"

At that moment an alarm went off, two nurses fainted, a man awoke from a 10 year coma and a gun shot was heard.

"We've got a suicide on the 5th floor. We need backup," said an announcement over the speakers.

Elizabeth gasped. "Not Robin!"

"Not Robin!" repeated one of Sonny's enemies, rolling by in wheelchair but promptly got up and ran for the exit.

"Yes, Robin!" Emily screamed, shaking as always. "You know why she's doing this right?"

"To steal Jason from Sam so JaSam fans can get a taste of what it feels like to be a Journey or Liason fan?" Liz replied.

"God! No, Liz! Why are you always thinking of yourself? What about _me_?" Emily pouted her lips and folded her arms over her chest. "Do my new highlights look good?"

"I think-"

"They're you go again! Me! Me! Me! Anyways, Robin's here to steal my title of Little Miss Immaculate Soul Port Charles. Why does she have to come a ruin everything?"

"Em, I'm sure it'll be fine. Hey-"

"Is my lipgloss too dull? Does it not shine enough to nearly blind the viewers' at home?" Emily asked whipping out a compact she saw Jax drop on the docks.

"Emily, you're beautiful. Hey, you got two quarters for the vending machine? I only got 25 cents to my name and I am craving a Snickers bar. Lucky told me to make the quarter stretch to the end of this week but I simply can't."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Liz! For the last time, why must everything be about how poor you and Lucky are? Now give me 25 cents. I want a Snicker's bar and I don't feel like trying to find the valet guy to retrieve my car. Come on. Hand it over. I promised Sonny I would baby-sit and then we'd have a simple conversation which people would mistake for upcoming pairing. Now, hurry, I have a round of shots to give before heading over to Sonny's house."

"Emily, you're a doctor now?"

"Of course not. But I get to wear this really cool lab coat just like my mommy. Now hand over the change."

Liz sighed then did as she was told. That Emily was such a wonderful friend. Always had others on her mind. Never one to think of herself.

She then watched as Bobbie helped wheel a man on a stretcher off the elevator. The man had spots of blood soaking through the sheets as he screamed, "Don't save me! Don't you dare try and put me through surgery! I stole one of Sam's guns and shot myself for a valid reason!"

"Sir, there is no valid reason to turn to suicide," Bobbie said as she suddenly remembered that she was supposed to go take Lucas to get his highlights redone yesterday.

"Robin's coming back!"

"Oh!" the nurse said removing the I.V from the man's arm. "Be my guest. Meet your maker!"

"Thank you!"

"Robin?" cried Alexis appearing out of nowhere simply to show off her maternity attire.

"Yes, Robin," a nurse screamed before swallowing a handful of Vicodin followed by some Vodka she had stole from a Mrs. Jasper Jacks earlier.

"Oh no!" Alexis said having yet another panic attack. "Maybe I should fake D.I.D again! Dress up as Dobson? Sleep with Sonny! No, I'll get myself caught up in a shoot out. That's right. Jason and that two-gun thing is a real turn on."

"Alexis, you're pregnant!" Liz yelled.

The expect mother looked down. "Crap. Ah, well. Gotta go. Nothing like driving to the studios only to have one scene then have to leave and turn right back around to go home. Someone is giving me gas money."

"Be careful," Liz called out behind her.

* * *

"Who ate the last of the cocoa puffs?" 

"How long is she going to sleep?"

"I can't believe this is our forty-eighth day in here!"

"How come Alan got to leave today?"

"Shut up!"

"Oh look, Sleeping Beauty's finally awake." Tracy winced as her eyes fluttered opened.

"Your voice is so grating," she said through clenched teeth as she opened her eyes full and gazed at her ex daughter-in-law. "Almost three months stuck with you and still, I can't stand it." Tracy sat up and looked at her cellmates, as she affectionately liked to call them. They had been together for a long time now, and sure, occasionally one of them would be let out for 10 minutes here and there, but for the most part, no one realized they were gone. There was Ned (Brooklynn's dad, you remember him) Monica, Edward (you remember him too, gray haired guy?), Lois (Brookie's mom, surely you remember her clothing) and Tony (GH's only male doctor ever on staff) were all standing around her. Her eyes swept the room and she moaned, her voice full of dismay.

"What the? Oh no! Ric's panic room! No!" She stood up and glared at everyone accusingly, as was her way. "What the hell happened?"

"How should we know?" Monica asked haughtily as she placed her hands on her hips, which were covered in a very expensive red suit. "We were all chloroformed and dragged here just as you were."

"Chloroformed?" Tracy's voice was near screeching now. "The last I knew, we were all locked in the freezer!"

"And my voice is grating?" Lois snickered.

"Who drugged us?" Tracy stomped her foot. "I have important things to do today! I have to get my husband to divorce me and I have to get my son to break up with his girlfriend."

"Good luck with that," Tony said. "And we don't know why we're in here any more than you do so I suggest you sit down and shut up."

"You can't talk to me like that!" She whirled around. "Daddy, tell him! Have him thrown out of the hospital!"

"Oh shut up Tracy," Edward said tiredly. "I haven't got the time for this either, did you think of that? I'm an old man. I know I suddenly look like, 30 years younger than I'm supposed to, but I'm too old for this crap."

"He probably sees Bobbie's plastic surgeon," Ned whispered to Lois, who cackled.

"You show me some respect!" Edward waved a finger non-threateningly in Ned's face. "I'm tired of you disrespecting this family."

"Well I'm tired of this family!" Ned snapped.

"Thank God I'm not a part of this family, why am I even here?" Tony wondered. Lois started humming "one of these things just doesn't belong" but stopped quickly when 5 pairs of eyes turned on her.

"What?" she asked defensively. "He doesn't!"

"Please," Tracy asked with a grimace. "Just stop talking!"

"Hey look at this." Monica picked up a remote control and clicked the on button. A whole wall divided into 6 separate television sets roared to life and the group of people who had yet wondered why they were kidnapped stared at it in fascination.

"Oh! It's 2, Passions is on!" Lois said eagerly. "Do we get cable?"

"Forget Passions," Tracy seethed. "If we're watching anything, we're watching One Life to Live!"

"Passions!"

"One Life to Live!"

"Passions!"

"What are you even doing here?" Tracy exploded. "We haven't seen you in months and all of a sudden you're back and you think you can tell me what we're going to watch on TV? We're watching One Life to Live."

"Enough!" Monica ordered, dangling the remote in front of the two bickering ladies. "We're watching As the World Turns or you're out of my house by midnight!"

"Oh for god sakes Monica!" Tony grabbed the remote from her. "This isn't cable. Cameras are set up all over Port Charles for us to see what's going on. See, there's Kelly's. Mike is wiping down the counter as always. Oh and look, Sonny's house. See? Carly's sneaking in through the window and the guards don't even notice." He pointed to a third screen. "The hospital, wow! If you and I are here whose on duty?"

"Oh it's okay," Monica said as they zoomed in on the nurses' station. "Elizabeth and Emily are right there, I bet they have everything under control."

"Of course Emily does," Edward said proudly. No one could argue with them. Emily never let them down. Well, except for when she thought she killed Ted, and when she tried to fly off the roof, started dating Juan, started dating Zander, and when she married Nikolas.

"You know, it's a good thing Nikolas is a prince," Monica mused, her eyes on the screen. "I mean, Emily's always at the hospital, but she only volunteers, I wonder when she'll realized she could be getting paid for everything."

"Don't tell her!" Edward exclaimed. "The hospital might still be getting sued by John Durant, if anyone cares anymore, and we need all the money we can keep!"

"Besides, haven't you heard?" Tracy leaned forward conspiratorially. "Emily and Nikolas are getting a divorce because Nikolas is lusting over Courtney Jax."

"No way!" Lois's eyes widened. "But what about Jaxie? Courtney loves him still, right?"

"Please, Courtney still loves Jason," Monica said. "She's just keeping busy with Nikolas until Sam leaves town and besides, I hear Emily and Nikolas aren't actually getting a divorce."

"Thank God," Ned said, with a shake of his head. "Poor Emily doesn't need any more stress in her life. The poor girl deserves to be happy, you know? We should throw her a party or something, just to tell her how special she is. I could sing!"

"You know what Neddie?" Lois shook her head. "Love ya and all, but you're no Eddie Maine anymore."

"Sure I am!" Ned stuck his tongue out at his ex-wife and then began singing. "Upside, inside out, she's living la vida loca!"

"Stop!" Tracy begged, covering her ears. "Daddy make him stop!"

"Hey look, it's Bobbie!" Tony cheered, looking at the screen. "She looks so hot."

"Sure, if you like plastic," Monica said snarkily. "Some of us prefer to age gracefully."

"And yet here you are, just aging," Tracy retorted.

"One more word out of you and you're out of the house for good!" Monica threatened. Tracy just rolled her eyes.

"Hey Tracy, there's that husband of yours." Tony pointed the screen number 4. Sure enough, Luke was seated at a table at Kelly's, not really doing anything at all.

"Hey, does he still own the Haunted Star?" Lois wondered. "I don't think anyone's gone there for awhile."

"How come he doesn't miss me?" Tracy asked. "Seriously, when he's in town he's flirting with Skye and not looking for me. If Laura disappeared for 5 seconds, he'd be on the next flight out of here to look for her."

"That's because Laura's a Port Charles icon," Monica muttered. "You're just here for the occasional humorous scene."

"Right, I forgot." Tracy's eyes were glued to the Kelly's screen. Lucky "Cowboy" Spencer had just walked in and was talking to his dad when suddenly, even though he was mid-sentence, Luke just stood up from his chair and walked away without a word.

"Why does he do that?" Tracy whispered. No one seemed to know. It was true, Luke clearly was an enigma. He could do whatever he wanted, too.

"Okay, so who wants to play "Guess who kidnapped us?" again?" Lois asked, already bored with the television sets. She inspected her long nails and snapped her gum loudly.

"_Helena_." Everyone said in unison. Game over.

"I still don't get why though," Tracy complained. "I mean, doesn't she usually go after Princess Emily? Isn't that why you adopted her in the first place? So Helena wouldn't go after anyone else in town ever?"

"If you say one more thing about my daughter--"

"I know, I know, I'm out of the house." Tracy rolled her eyes at Monica. "Seriously? Get a new threat."

"There's about to be a girl-fight!" Ned sang from the background.

"If Helena's going to go after anyone, Courtney better watch out," Lois interrupted. "Poor girl, she won't know what hit her. What do you think Helena will do? Poison? Kidnap? Drop her off a cliff?"

"Isn't Helena in jail?" Edward asked suddenly. Dead silence met the room. Nobody could remember for sure and well, come on, even if she was, it wasn't really her, it would be a clone or something.

"My loneliness is killing me, and I, I must confess, I still believe…" Ned's off-key voice interrupted the silence and everyone groaned at him.

"_Anyways_," Lois went on, ignoring her ex-husband's petulant pouting. "Do you even see this crap?" she used one extremely long finger nail to point at screen number 5. "Look at that, Jason's sitting in your living room with a damned lampshade on his head and Sam's got three guns she pulled out of nowhere and she doesn't even see him."

"Yeah, and look at that…" Edward pointed to another screen. "Jax and Courtney apparently have sex everywhere they can and drink more than Skye wants to, Georgie and Maxie are both sick and in the hospital at the same time and I don't even recognize their mother!" He shook his head sadly. "Port Charles just isn't what it used to be and I for one, am glad to be locked in this room and not out there having to admit I live here!"

Everyone murmured their agreement, except for Ned, who sang "I love you, I honestly love you…" Everyone still ignored him.

"Oh my god, did you hear that?" Monica rushed up the wall of televisions and pointed to the one at the hospital. "Shh, listen!" They listened as Emily and Elizabeth conversed, confirming everybody's worst nightmare had indeed come true.

"Oh no, _not Robin_!" They all wailed. Well, except for Ned, who broke out into a bad version of "Rockin' Robin." And Tony, who exclaimed,

"Hey, I kidnapped her once!"

As they all gathered around the television set in a humbled silence they all knew they were thinking the very same thing. If it was true, if Robin Scorpio was indeed coming back to town, then they were all most definitely happier stuck inside of the panic room.

Besides, it would only be for 6 months, right?

"Tweet, a tweetily deet!"

* * *

**Tracy voiceover:** Stay tuned for scenes from the next… (Lois interrupts) Oh shut up! We're in the panic room, nobody can hear you and nobody cares!

* * *

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* * *

**Leslie voiceover** (remember her voice? Neither do we.) : "On the next Port Charles, the Real General Hospital…" 

**Carly** (_in the alley behind Kelly's Diner_) : "Carson sucks?" _shakes a can of spray paint before painting over the words. "_Reeson sucks!"

**Courtney and Nikolas** (_after running into each other accidentally on the docks) _"We're just friends!" _They kiss passionately._"I love my husband and you love you're wife! We're just friends!" _They kiss again._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Consider this your typical Wednesday episode. Just total and complete random b.s! Oh, and to Miss Jennifer Bransford: you did your best, especially with Crazy Carly (ya definitely scared the living daylights out of Asia and Nicole!) We salute you and wish you all the best. And, folks, be smart, don't be retards –VOTE FOR JOHN O'HURLEY NEXT WEEK! P.S: We SO had the carnival idea first!

* * *

"Oh no, not you again!" Courtney said stopping mid step. She scratched her forehead. "Damn! Oops, I mean _darn_. Bad, Courtney!" 

"Relax. It's just a coincidence," Nikolas said walking towards her on, where else, the docks. "We just have the same exact schedules or something."

"Step back! I got mace and a flask filled with vanilla Vodka," Courtney warned … giggling. "Now get over here and kiss me you no neck fool!"

Nikolas ran over and clutched the blonde in his arms. He kissed her, nearly becoming intoxicated himself from all the liquor on her lips.

Courtney pulled back. "I love my husband and you love your wife! We're just friends! Dude, why'd you stop kissing me?"

"You pulled back!"

"Shut up!" Courtney pulled him close, their mouths meeting again. "Wait a minute … this is wrong," she said stopping.

She backed away from him. "I can't believe this." She blinked back a few tears. "Oh my sweet heavens above, Jax is going to kill me."

Nikolas rubbed a hand over his face and sighed deeply. Jason did it all the time and looked rather cool doing it so he decided to give it a shot. "Look, Courtney," he offered. "It was just a kiss."

Courtney looked up at him, confused. An emotion she felt nearly 24/7. "Who said anything about the kiss? I poured the last of the Whiskey in my Cheerios this morning. I'm dead!" She scrunched up nose and began to cry.

"Brother, can you spare a dime?" Lucky asked suddenly walking up to him. He held his hands out in front of his brother who had more money than he could spend on steroids.

"All I have is my plastic on me. Sorry, bro," Nikolas replied, swatting at a bee.

"Like I would borrow money from you anyway!" Lucky shot back. "You're my insanely rich brother who just so happens to be an heir to a huge fortune. I would never ever call you and ask for a little help! I'm too proud for that!"

Nik watched as his brother walked out, pumping his fingerless glove clad fist in the air and screaming, "Say it loud! I'm a Spencer and I'm proud!"

Nikolas thought of something to do. When his pwetty little Emily cried he often had sex with her on that disgusting couch in Wyndemere. When she was sick, he took her to a garden, kissed her and all of these really cool flowers blossomed. When she was being chased around town by Helena he, well, stayed the hell out of the way –that old bitch was crazy.

"Maybe a kiss could help?" Nik suggested.

"You don't have any hard liquor?" Courtney asked frowning. It was 8 in the morning. She needed her fix.

"Sorry."

"Fine," Courtney said as she felt his arms around her waist. He dipped her then planted a big one on her. She pushed him off of her. "Was that a dip? Are you trying to get fresh with me, Mister?"

"Sorry. Having 'Dancing With The Stars' flashbacks. No one can seem to just let it go," Nikolas answered. "We're only supposed to do heavy petting on the docks which is the most secretive place in PC. No one walks by so we can make out like there's no tomorrow then totally blame our spouses for our sudden outburst of passion."

Courtney shrugged. She took a sip from her monogrammed flask and smiled in satisfaction. Sounded good to her.

* * *

It had started out as a one-time thing. A fluke poker game at Greystone when a storm had knocked the power out and Sonny and Carly had actually both been there to take care of their kids and for once, there had been no threats against Sonny. Max and Company had been bored out of their minds and it was Leticia who had suggested breaking into Sonny's whiskey collection and playing a game of Texas Hold 'Em. After that night, they played when they could, often neglecting their jobs to do so, but well, Sonny was still alive and Michael and Morgan were too, so no one could really complain. Eventually, word of their late night poker games spread throughout Port Charles and well, within weeks, the Port Charles Hired Help Poker Club was born. Or as they called it, the PC double H PC (forgive them, but they weren't very creative after a few rounds of vodka stolen from the Jax Estate.) 

Tonight's game was taking place at the recently abandoned loft, formerly owned by Courtney "I drank my weight in Stoli" Jacks.

"So then I'm like, fine, Emily can take Michael to the park if she wants but I'm not taking a pay cut, hell no!" Leticia slurred as she took a drink from her glass. "Give me three cards."

"You tell 'em!" Viola urged her, knocking back her own drink as she threw her cards down. "I'm out. So then anyways," she leaned over in her chair and rested her head on Stan's shoulder. "As I was saying, ever since Ric and Alexis have been busy with their own drama," she accented the words with hand quotations. "Little Kristina has been talking _non-stop!_ I can't get her to shut up unless Alexis walks in the door, then it's like she forgets how to talk!"

"Two cards," Max said, throwing his own into the pile. "Big Alice, gonna call?"

"Full house," Alice said as she spread her cards out. "Whatcha got Cookie?" she asked, turning to Cook, who sat to her left.

"This game sucks!" Leticia whined, throwing her cards to the floor. "Seriously, just take my money now, really, it'll be easier and less embarrassing!"

"Suck it up Sweetie," Alice said sarcastically as she stacked the poker chips in front of her. "I'm getting another drink, anyone else want anything?" she headed into the kitchen. Before anyone could answer, the front door swung open and a familiar figure stepped over the threshold.

Was it…could it really be…oh my God it was…

"Reggie!" everyone cried out in a cheer. Sure enough, everyone's favorite butler, Reginald was standing right there in the same room as them.

"Hey hey, the gang's all here!" Reginald tossed his jacket over a chair and gave everyone an appraising look. "Leticia, Viola, lookin' good ladies!" He winked at them and turned just as Alice came back into the room. "Big Al!" he grabbed her around the waist in a sweeping motion and kissed her on the mouth.

"Oh please!" Max threw a handful of poker chips at the guy. "You've been gone for like, 8 months and you waltz back in here like you're Sonny Corinthos yourself? What gives?"

"Yeah buddy, what's up?" Stan rolled his eyes. "We were all beginning to think that your cruise was just the Quartermaine's way of saying you were in rehab."

"Nah man, it's cool." Reginald released Alice and grabbed a bottle of beer off of the counter. "So what's going on in good old PC? Have I missed much?"

"The Quartermaines' are missing, well, actually, anyone over the age of 30 seems to be missing," Cook said with a shrug. "Summer's coming to an end though and I'm sure everyone will be back in time for fall sweeps. They damn well better be back for Thanksgiving, it's the only time I get any credit."

"Sam McCall is starting a dance studio," Viola offered as her news. "I think it's crap, but I hear if you bring her a gun, she'll teach you to tango."

"Crazy," Reginald said with a shake of his head. He ruffled Max's hair. "How about you Max? Anything new with you? Anything new with the ladies?" The last part of his statement was met with hoots and hollers around the table. "What? What did I miss?"

"Max and Leticia are the new It couple in Port Charles," Stan said, chucking his own poker chips at Max. "Except it's still a big secret and nobody knows."

"No way!" Reginald smirked as he looked at the blushing couple. "Well isn't that fun?"

"Disgusting, is what it is," Viola chimed in. "It's like they're trying to take out Luke and Laura's popularity, although half the people don't even know who they are anymore."

"Oh shush!" Leticia said, sticking her tongue out at Viola. "Just because you're in love with Jason Morg-" Her sentence was caught off as Viola lunged at her and the two nannies fell to the floor.

"Nothing hotter than two drunk chicks fighting," Stan said as he sipped his beer.

"It's good to be back," Reginald agreed, clinking bottles with Max.

* * *

Lucky stopped in front of Kelly's and took a deep breath. He nodded his head. He had to do this for Liz and baby Caleb. No, wait, baby Carl … or was it Chauncey? No! Cameron. He was doing this for Liz and baby Cameron. 

He rushed in, shoving open the doors. "Everybody freeze! This is a stick up!"

"Man, I can see your face …" yelled Mike who was the only one in the lonely old restaurant that everyone seemed to have abandoned.

Lucky raised a hand to his cheek. Indeed, he had forgotten one small item.

"Damn!" He turned and ran back out, sliding on a black mask. "Sonny and Jason never have to do this!" he muttered.

"Alright. Everybody, I mean, you … freeze!"

"Okay, son. You got me," replied Mike, beginning to open the cash register. He knew the routine. "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

"Shut, Mike and hand over the money!" He reached into his pocket a pulled out a gun. "Gimme everything in the cash register! Yeah, that's right. All of it! Liz needs a facial and Chris, I mean, Cameron needs some new building blocks!"

Mike did as he was told, secretly wishing that his daughter would run in and kick some serious ass. Too bad she was just busted for a DUI and confined to her house –and the docks, of course.

"Here you go," Mike said, handing over the money.

Lucky snatched it up, counted then threw it back at him. "Fifteen bucks? That's it?"

"Slow week," Mike shrugged. "No one comes in anymore. The new hot spot is the hospital waiting area."

"Damn you!" the Cowboy himself screamed, shaking his fist at the old man. He banged his hand on the counter. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Go rob someone else? Jason, perhaps? I still got it out for that guy for signing those damn divorce papers and kicking my baby girl out."

"Nah," Lucky said. "Been there, done that. The man has no memory but he definitely remembers how to give someone a serious beat down." He rubbed his lower back. "Still sorta reeling from that."

"You didn't fight back?"

"Hell no! This is Jason Morgan, not Jasper Jacks!" he screamed. "I gotta get some cash, my man."

"No, you need to quit worrying about Courtney and Jax's marriage and actually go to work so you can make some money. And, don't ever call me 'your man' again."

"You're right. I'm sorry about that," Lucky said.

"That's it, pal," Mike said, gently punching Lucky across the jaw. "Now go and make your mother proud!"

* * *

Carly hummed to herself as she walked around town. She tapped the pool stick against the pavement in time with her humming as she window-shopped. She paused as she caught her reflection in the Wyndham's window display. 

"Maybe I should go blonde," she mused quietly, raising a hand to her dark hair and studying her reflection. It had been just over four months since her last makeover, she was about due for another.

"Yes," she decided. "Blonde hair, maybe curly…oooh, contacts!" her eyes lit up excitedly and she didn't care if anyone saw her talking to herself, people did it on soap operas all the time, why couldn't she? "Blue contacts! Oh no one will recognize me, but I bet I'll be hot!" She smiled once again at her reflection and continued happily on her way down the street.

"Hmm." Her brow furrowed as she came to the cross-section. She wasn't sure which way she should take to get home again. She could take the docks, as was the Port Charles way, but she would run into Nikolas and Courtney there and well, she hadn't talked to Courtney in months and therefore wasn't supposed to know about the affair or have any opinion on it so that would just be awkward. Seeing no other chance, she merely turned around and headed for the alleys. Why not, she asked herself. If the docks were safe, surely the dark alleys were too.

"Damn bees!" she muttered to herself as she swatted three away. She didn't understand it, Michael had gotten stung by one the other day and now here there were more? Definitely not cool.

"What the?" Carly stopped walking as bright green lettering on the side of Kelly's caught her eye. "Carson sucks? Who did this?" She whipped her head around looking for the culprit but seeing no one. "Oh I am so sick of seeing this around town, don't people realize that Carson was the reason Port Charles became so damn popular in the last few years?" As she spoke she dug around in her purse for something she had learned to carry with her as often as she did the pool stick. Oh, and the baseball bat in her trunk, for when she interrupted a mob meeting, but anyways, where was it…

"Hah!" She shook the bottle of spray paint vigorously before blacking out the word Carson on the wall. "Reeson sucks," she said, as she spelled out the word in a pink scrawl. "Pretty!" She said satisfactorily as she admired her work.

To the untrained eye, it would appear that Carly was indeed crazy, and that may be true, but now, as she skipped away, with her pool stick and her spray paint tucked under her arm, reciting an entire monologue to herself about ridding the town of Reeson, you couldn't really be sure. Maybe she was truly crazy, or maybe, she was just really really focused.

Either way, she had a feeling come November; nobody would know what was going on with her anyways.

**Luke voiceover: **Stay tune for scenes from the next Port –aw, screw this. (_gets up and walks away_)

* * *

**GH Promo Guy: **_He may not remember who he is, but she'll be damned if he forgets …_

**Jason** (_to Sam who's "crying"_): Who are you?

**Sam**: I'm your girlfriend! I love you! You love me! You're all I have! I'm all you have!

**GH Promo Guy**: _She's also got the perfect cure …_

**Sam **(_wrapped around Jason's leg): _We eat Chinese food for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

**Jason**: I'm sor-

**Sam**: No! You love me! Please love me? You need me! You're my mealtick-, you're the love of my life!

**GH Promo Guy: **_Only time will tell the fate of their future. ABC Daytime, just … sucks_

* * *

**Maxie voiceover: **Like, oh … my ..._gawd! _On the next Port Charles: The, like, Real General Hospital. You _so_ better watch, loser! 

_Aww. You thought you were going to get previews? Well we thought we were gonna get a Journey reunion and SkyLo sex! Ah, damn those rewrites ..._


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note**: We're _so_ sorry for how long it's taken us to update but as it was, Asia and Nicole have been busy recovering from the monkey virus. And believe it or not, when we say we were quarantined, we really were. No walking around the hospital for us! Now, before we do this, we've got a few things to say.

First of all, Congratulations to Steve Burton and his wife, Sheree, on their new baby boy Jack! We're hoping, as we're sure you all are, that Steve's shirt came off during the creation of this little life.

And secondly? Emmy Committee? Whoever it was that cleared out their savings account to buy Kelly Monaco's nomination? Yeah, we've got a two-gun Jason Morgan Salute for you. We will find you.

On with the story!

* * *

Carly sat in NICU and cooed over the tiny little baby in the incubator. He was so … scary looking. But he was Courtney's baby and Courtney was, like, her BFF so it didn't matter.

"I miss your mom so much, Angel," the blonde turned brunette turned blonde said. "She's up in heaven staring at snow globes, I bet."

Jax walked in and gently shut the door behind him. "I'm back," he announced. "You can probably leave now."

Carly pulled at the yellow scrubs she was wearing and groaned. Damnit, those scrubs were killing her. And she was positive that yellow was so not mentioned in _Vogue_ as being the new pink for spring.

"Jax, I am staying with this child," she said. "It's what Courtney would have wanted."

The man sighed and sat down and peered into the incubator. The baby was small and a bit slimy looking. He definitely belonged to Nikolas.

"I am going to be like a mother to this baby," Carly said softly.

"Where are Morgan and Michael?" Jax asked.

Carly shrugged. "Like, I keep tabs on them. Baby John is going to be so loved."

"Shouldn't you be worrying about your own children?"

"What do you mean?" Carly asked, turning to him. "You trying to say that I'm not a good mother?"

"No, I simply …"

"Cause I am! I am! I am! I love my boys!"

"I know you do but …"

"But what?" Carly yelled. "They're with their nanny right now! It's not like they're walking the streets or saw Sonny and Emily about to screw … oh, wait …"

"Okay, calm down," Jax said. He went to speak again but Liz walked in.

She tossed her hair over her shoulder and stood there.

"Can we help you?" Carly asked, annoyed. As far as she was concerned, the nurse was as lame as the Soily romance. And that's pretty lame.

"Oh, nothing. I'm just here as a prop. Carry on," Liz answered.

"Then get to propping," Jax answered.

"Oh, sorry," Liz replied. She cleared her throat. "Jax, I think that you would make an excellent father. I really do. Courtney would be so proud. She was very lucky."

Carly glared at Liz. "Oops," the brunette said. "And, Carly, you were her absolute best friend. Courtney would have wanted this. It's definitely what's best for Lil John."

"WHAT?" someone yelled in the hallway. "YEAH! OKAY!"

All three exchanged looks. Why did someone always yell that whenever Lil John was mentioned?

Oh well. They shrugged before Liz turned to walk out. One scene. Crappy dialogue. You know, the norm.

Jax looked at his watch. "Doesn't Michael have Parent-Teacher night at his school?"

"Leticia is going. I am going to help you so much with this little fellow. He's going to be like a son to me."

With that being said, and feeling damn good about her maternal skills, Carly got up and walked out, leaving Jax to stare and stroke that weird little cleft in his chin.

* * *

Emily stared down at the big heavy textbook in front of her. Who knew studying to be a doctor could be so hard? Normally life was easy for the Pretty Princess, but there were those days when she remembered she was med student and she actually had to, you know, study and stuff like that.

Sighing, she looked down at her notes again and began writing furiously. _Mrs. Emily Corinthos. Mrs. Sonny Corinthos. Emily hearts Sonny._

Yes, being in medical school truly was hard when you were a Quartermaine.

She drew a few more hearts around her words, and then tried to read a few more lines in the text book. She was startled out of her deep concentration by a knock at the door and jumped up to get it.

"Max!" She said when she saw the bodyguard standing there. "What is it? Does Sonny want to see me? I told him I needed to study today, I mean, I do have my own life, you know. I can't drop everything every time he needs me. Does he need me? Do I need to take care of the boys?"

"Sorry Emily." Max shook his head and handed her a box. "Mr. Corinthos just wanted me to drop this off to you. Have a nice day." He was gone before she could call out to him to tell Sonny she was available when needed.

Emily sat back down on the couch and eagerly undid the red ribbon and tore the shiny paper off of the box. Sonny was always sending her little things. What would this be? Jewelry? A new outfit because he was flying her to the Island later that day?

She lifted the lid and tossed the tissue paper away excitedly. Her excitement was quickly replaced by confusion as she looked at the contents.

"The Sonny Corinthos Girlfriend Survival Kit," she read to herself. She began pulling the items from the box, one by one. A Kevlar vest, a tube of clear MAC lip gloss, flip flops, a schedule of her days to babysit Michael and Morgan, a book entitled "101 Ways to Know if Your Lover is Crazy", and earplugs.

"Earplugs?" she repeated to herself. "Oh duh, for the gunfire. He's so thoughtful." She smiled and reached for her cell phone. Dialing his number by heart she counted rings as she waited for him to pick up. "Sonny hi!" she gushed. "It's Emily, thank you so much for the pre-"

"Emily?"

Oh crap. "Jason!" Emily said brightly. "Hi.. I thought I dialed Sonny, I wanted to know if.. Well I thought maybe Leticia wanted the day off and the boys needed someone to… I'm totally not calling him for a date or anything, you know we broke up, right?" She breathed a sigh of relief, content in knowing she was a fabulous liar and Jason wouldn't find anything at all suspicious in her story.

"Right um. Here's Sonny."

"What?" Sonny barked into the phone.

"Sonny, it's me!" she giggled girlishly. "I just wanted to thank you for the gift. You shouldn't have done that!"

"Uh-huh."

"So, I've been really busy studying all day long and could use a break," Emily pressed on. "Is there anyway you could meet me sometime soon?"

"Yeah."

"Great!" she said brightly. "So, are you going to come to the guesthouse, or should I go up to the main house?"

"Meet me at the docks." Sonny swore under his breath, forgetting for a moment that this wasn't a business call. "I mean, I'll send a car for you. Be ready in 30 minutes."

"I'll be waiting," she chirped, as Sonny muttered a "goodbye" into the phone before hanging up. She wrote once more over her biology notes that Sonny did indeed heart her.

"He's _so_ not as dangerous as everyone says," she said cheerfully to herself as she went into the bedroom to start getting ready.

* * *

Nikolas peeked into the windows of Kelly's and looked around. The coast was clear.

He walked in and sat down, placing an urn filled with Courtney's ashes across from him. The dark prince and his lady love were about to get their grub on.

Penny walked over and placed a menu in front of him. "Can I start you off with something to drink?"

"Water," he answered. When she nodded and turned to walk away, he grabbed her arm. "I'm not the only one sitting at this table." He pointed in front of him.

"What would you like, Court? Sprite? Oh, I'm sorry. Diet Coke."

Ever the peppy waitress, Penny jotted down the order and headed back to the kitchen not only terrified, but still trying to figure out if the Cassadines were Russian or Greek.

Nikolas sighed and turned back to, um, Courtney. "People act as if you don't exist. Of course you do. You loved the ocean and always wondered what was on the other side. Well, I was on the other side. Oh? You already knew that? You know me so well. You're the love of my life. I realized that in two hours and slipping my hand up your shirt on the docks. Oh, you remember that? Yeah, that was a great day."

He reminisced about that afternoon. The way the wind whipped Courtney's over-processed platinum strands back and forth … the way she dodged cell phone calls from her _husband _… the way her _wedding _ring sparkled.

Their love was so right and so incredibly justified.

He paused. Oh, crap. The snot was starting to fall. "We could have had it all, Court. If only you had just held on a little longer."

As he went to give the urn a soft caress, Taggert and Scotty (surprise!) busted in.

"When the hell did you come back?" Nikolas screamed.

"The day you tried to bring back to mullet," Scotty responded. "Now shut up."

Taggert held up his badge. "Nikolas Cassadine. You're under arrest for …" He looked at Scotty for help. When Baldwin shrugged, he continued. "For … stealing ashes that … don't, um, ashes that aren't … you're under arrest for theft!"

Nikolas stood up and snatched, uh, Courtney up. "You're not taking her! She's mine! Courtney belongs to me!"

"Give it up, Cassadine!" Scotty barked. "Toss her over!"

But Nik refused, instead running out the door screaming, "I'm gonna run, run as fast as I can! You can't catch me; I'm a Cassadine, man!"

* * *

Liz hefted the lone bag of groceries on her hip as she struggled to unlock the door to the Crap Shack -err- to the apartment. Finally the door swung open and she stumbled into the living room, flicking at the light switch as she did so. The apartment stayed dark.

"Oh not again," she complained. She flipped the switch up and down a few more times and still, nothing. "Lucky!" she called through the darkened apartment. "Lucky, are you here?"

"Boo!" Lucky jumped out of the darkness at her with a flashlight under his chin. Liz screamed and dropped the bag of groceries.

"Don't do that!" she scolded. "What if I had been holding Cameron and dropped him instead of the groceries?"

"Please, when was the last time you held Cameron?" Lucky asked. He had a point. Liz shrugged and bent down to pick up the spilled contents of the bag.

"I thought we paid the electric bill," she said as she made her way into the kitchen, careful not to trip over anything in the Pier One decorated living room.

"Nah, we paid the water instead," Lucky said. "You sure bought a lot of groceries there, honey. Are you sure we can afford all of this?"

"Relax," Liz said sweetly as she opened up the fridge that miraculously still worked despite the electricity being turned off. She shrugged, having learned long ago not to question things like this. "Everything I bought was half off because of coupons or because it's a day after the expiration date. I know we're poor Lucky, I know we can't afford anything extravagant." She moved the Evian bottled water to one side of the fridge and finished putting away the groceries. They headed back into the living room and began to light the fifty candles that filled the room. You would think that after nearly burning the place down with candles once before, they wouldn't be so quick to light them, but not these two. If they were going to be poor, they were going to be romantically poor, damnit.

"Maybe we could ask Nikolas for a loan?" Liz suggested. She sat down on the couch and reached for her Clinique lotion. "Or even Luke?"

"We're not going to be beggars," Lucky said firmly. "We're above that." He saw his black mask on the table and kicked it out of Liz's sight. "We'll be fine Liz, I promise, I'll always provide for you."

"I know," Liz said reluctantly. She smiled and curled up next to her husband, "Things will get better, we won't always be so poor."

"No, we won't," Lucky said, calculating his next place to rob. Maybe he would try the Metro-Court. Or at the very least, he could always hit up Kelly's again.

"And this is kind of fun," Liz decided as she looked around the darkened apartment. It wasn't fun at all, she would be foolish to believe that, but what else could she say? She had an idea though. "You know what would make it even more fun?" she asked.

"What's that babe?"

"You should take off your shirt." She smiled as he did take his shirt off because as we all know, not even being poor is that bad when Lucky is shirtless.

* * *

**Courtney voiceover**: "Stay tuned for scenes from the next Port Charles: The Real General Hospital…. What? I'm still in the credits, I can too say this!"

* * *

**Commercial**: Who hasn't been in a situation such as their favorite soap character where you sit back and wonder, "I'm adopted but how can I find my birth mother?" With _ABC's Shop the Soaps _brand new DNA Test, you can do just that! For the low-low price of _zero_ dollars (the exact amount in Sam McCall's savings!) you too can own this fabulous kit that consists of a list of possible hospitals you were born at, a yearbook with a missing picture, _and_ the phone number of a very shady but reluctantly willing to help doctor! _ABC is not responsible for any cases of mistaken identity and no refunds will be given._

* * *

**Robin voiceover**: "Yes, real doctors can too have nose rings! I mean…On the next Port Charles: The Real General Hospital…"

* * *

**Dr. Noah Drake **(_walking past a grief-stricken Maxie at the Nurses' Station and singing_): "You know I wish that I had Jessie's Girl… I wish that I had Jessie's Girl.. Why can't I find a woman like that? (Maxie bursts into tears.)

* * *

**Jax** (_running into Skye at the Metro-Court_): "I can't believe it! You're absolutely glowing! How far along are you? Seven, eight months now?"

**Skye**: "Six weeks!"


End file.
